Genii Weblog

Size Matters (case file)

Tue 25 Jan 2005, 07:08 AM

by Ben Langhinrichs
Crystal CoexSize Matters
by Crystal Coex, Analyst Femme Fatale

The shadows lay deep and still under the trees, blocking the faint moonlight which vainly tried to illuminate their secrets.  Even an observant passerby might have failed to notice the thin column of smoke which emerged silently from one of the deeper shadows and dissipated quickly in the higher branches, or even the occasional telltale flash of satiny white flesh from behind the dark leather skirt.  Crystal had no specific need for secrecy tonight, but caution was in her nature.

Scanning the street one final time to ensure she was alone, Crystal flicked the stub from her unfiltered cigarette to the sidewalk and ground it out with the toe of her long, leather boot.  Walking swiftly, she crossed and headed back to the silent office.  Crystal hadn't always chosen to spend her nights in such... productive ways, but her colleague Mike always left early, and that was enough incentive.  

"Weak", Crystal thought, grimacing at the thought of her hapless fellow developer, but instantly revising her thinking to accommodate a much broader category.  "All men are weak.  Weak, pathetic worms.", she thought, unconsciously grinding her toe into the carpet as if to visit on the entire male gender the fate of her discarded cigarette butt.  Crystal lit another cigarette and took a deep drag, and her mind couldn't help but return to her ex-husband, Duffbert, though the very memory filled her with disgust. 

"How could I have been such a fool?", she thought.  "What a terrible mistake that was.  I should have known when he had the name of an unwanted children's sock puppet.  He was so short, so small, so diminutive, but Carla kept on and on about the size of his hands, insisting they could only mean one thing... I wonder if she is wrong about a puppy's paws as well."

Her mind wandered, thinking of Duffbert's long sensitive fingers... and the anticipation... and the crushing disappointment.  Crystal leaned back in the chair and placed her long, booted feet upon the desk.  It was her boss's desk, but what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, not that hurting him would cost Crystal any sleep.  She thought of the e-mails she had passed on to Duffbert, hoping he would read them and how her hopes were dashed by a simple spam filter.  She thought of the inevitable confrontation when she caught him nursing more than a drink with a young coed who hadn't the experience to know what she was missing.

Disgusted, Crystal went to Mike's office, picked the lock on his private refrigerator and grabbed a tall, icy cold beer.  She sat down at her own desk and opened the latest case folder, and as she read she stroked away the moisture from the bottle with her index finger, slowly, gently scraping the glass with a long, polished, ruby red nail.  "We have a huge problem", she read as the letter started, and the motion of her finger on the cool, tall glass quickened almost imperceptibly.  "Simply enormous." and the motion quickened again, while the pressure from her nail increased so that she was scratching a path in the label as her nail crossed back and forth.  If there was one thing Crystal couldn't resist, it was size, and this potential customer was large... very, very large.  Taking a moment to catch her breath, Crystal read on.  "Our company, Über Phallic und Zensual GmbH, has recently take possession of a large competitor."  Crystal's grip on the tall, thin bottle tightened, and a small bead of thread broke out on her brow.  Suddenly, she couldn't stand it and took a long, deep gulp, held it in her mouth for a long moment, then swallowed and slammed the bottle back on the desk.  She walked across the room, gripping the letter in her hand and opened the window, breathing in deeply from the cool night that flowed in.  She continued to read.

"We have agreed to standardize on Exchange for our messaging, but we have many large, hard Notes applications,and we do not want to, how is it the Americans say it, screw them up.  We have many doclinks used, and they are making us crazy.  When they come from our Domino 5 servers, the doclinks are gone before they get to the Outlook.  When they come from our Domino 6 servers, the doclinks are converted into links, but these links lead nowhere for many of our users.  When our employees who are still on Notes send doclinks to those who are on Outlook, some come right away, and some never come at all."

Crystal undid the top button of her sheer black blouse, and read on.

"We must have our links, and they must come every time, without fail.  Do you understand me?"  On the whole, Crystal really thought she did.  She unbuttoned another button, and her chest heaved as she continued.

"Whatever we do, it must scale, and it must be ready right away.  We have hired an American expert named Duffbert who says we must convert all of our applications to Java, and that he will show us how, but we are hoping your company will have a product that will help us, as we think rewriting everything in Java would be very time consuming and expensive, and we have no idea how it would solve the problem anyway."

The mood was shattered.  Crystal buttoned her blouse, closed the window with a slam, and whipped off a short note saying that, yes, CoexLinks would solve the problem easily, convert the doclinks as needed without any of their "American expert's" coding necessary, and certainly without Java, and that the solution was scalable, simple to install, and efficient.  She threw the half full bottle into Mike's wastebasket and watched the contents spill out unwanted, then walked wordlessly to the door.  Her job was done, the client would be happy, and she wondered why she felt so... unfulfilled.

Copyright © 2005 Genii Software Ltd.

What has been said:

277.1. Julian Robichaux
(01/25/2005 11:27 AM)

Oh my... I think I need a cold shower...

- Julian

277.2. Duffbert
(01/25/2005 12:06 PM)

Crystal, Crystal, Crystal... where is the sweet girl I once loved and married?

While I am pleased to make an appearance in the popular Case Files section of this fine online publication, I do feel compelled to balance your rather "inflated" view of reality.

Do you remember who you were when we first met? Shy, rather plain, ankle length dresses, peasant blouses, sensible shoes, and less than memorable "attributes". But I fell for your wit and playfulness, and soon we were wed. You started to become dissatisfied with your image, and begged for the opportunity to "enhance" your "assets". While it was a financial stretch, I was willing to do whatever it took to make you happy. But the doctors did more than just nip, tuck, and enhance. They did something to the real "Crystal". Soon you took up smoking. Stops at the bar after work "with friends" grew more frequent. Some nights you didn't come home until 2 or 3 in the morning. Yes, I did notice...

I was devastated when you left. The "young coed" was nothing more than a computer science student trying to pass her Java courses. And unlike you, she didn't have any phallic fantasies about beer bottles. She knew they were nothing more than a container of liquid escape for people who can't deal with failures in their life.

Is CoexLinks the best solution for UPundZGmbH? You bet. And if I knew that Mike would be their contact, I would have recommended that solution. But frankly, *you* scare me, Crystal. I can only hope that your new life is all you expected it to be. And don't worry about Duffbert… I'll be fine.

277.3. Ben Langhinrichs
(01/25/2005 12:19 PM)

LOL. That's telling her, Duffbert. I'm impressed that you'll stand up to her. Frankly, I'm scared to.

277.4. Sigmund Freud
(19/01/2006 03:58)

The lady is obviously beautiful, but vacuous! Who in their right mind would want to move away from a secure, friendly, user rich environment engendered by Lotus Notes/Domino to a lesser product by Microsoft?

Since Duffbert and she parted, she has become more delusional as time marches forward. The only hope that this poor, misled, lady, holds to overcome her father fixation for Bill Gates (worthy as he is of her affection) and take to her heart (and body) the therapy provided by the stable, secure, reliable and resilient Lotus Notes-Domino. She can put her trust in LND, she can rely on LND, she can build a great relationship with the best. She can rely on LND and return to normal life or, she could continue with the fantasy that other mails may look enticing, but she must remember that the real strength of a mail is not the outward appearance, but the heart and soul; LND remains a healthy provider and rarely suffers from virus attacks, down time; it never suffers mail flu! She must also remember that LND is more than a mail, more than a database, more than workflow, it is the sum of these and more.

This family has other rich offerings too, Sametime, Quickplace, Domino Document Manager, Freelance ….. what more is there for this lady, so I say to her …………………

Carpe Diem, Carpe Jugulem, Carpe Lotus Notes!

277.5. Ben Langhinrichs
(01/19/2006 04:34 AM)

LOL. Thank you, Herr Doctor, for stopping by and sharing your advice.