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The Export Shop Sketch (a parody)
Thu 29 Jun 2006, 12:08 PMTweet
by Ben Langhinrichs
(a customer walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the IBM Lotus Notes Export Facility!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the Beach Club lobby just now, skimming through the "Lotus Notes and Domino 6 Programming Bible" by Brian Benz and Rocky Oliver, and I suddenly came over all timorous.
O: Timorous, sir?
C: Weak-kneed, spineless, panicky, mostly about whether I could get my multitudinous highly formatted documents out of Lotus Notes without data loss.
C: 'Ee, Ah got the willies cuz I wanna get lots of stuff outa Notes widout it lookin loike shite!
O: Ah, indeed, sir!
C: So, then, bring on the fine export formats please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a nice flexible Open Document Format.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of ODF, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on StarWriter 5.0?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, serve up a portion of XHTML, if
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, ordinary HTML 4.0?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Works 6.0 or 7.0?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Lotus WordPro?
C: Outlook Express .EML?
C: Any Internet Explorer Web Archive .MHT, per chance?
C: Word 97?
C: Word 95?
O: <pause> No.
C: Microsoft RTF, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Microsoft RTF, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit rummy...
C: Oh, I like it rummy.
O: Well,.. It's very rummy, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither le plus bas dénominateur commun ! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit rummier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking rummy it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! <pause>
C: What now?
O: It doesn't actually handle images, sir. They all turn grey. And bullets disappear.
C: <pause> Do they?
C: You...do *have* some export filters that maintain fidelity, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a export filters facility, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, PageMaker.
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir.
Mister PageMaker, that's my name.
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
C: Aah, how about Microsoft Word 2003?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular file format in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: <slight pause> and what IS the most popular file format 'round hyah?
O: OpenXML, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...OpenXML, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir...
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. Not until next year.
C: It's not much of a file export facility, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by file export filters....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about AppleWorks, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: (slowly) Have you got any AppleWorks?
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have
posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any file export filters that maintain fidelity here at all.
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
Copyright © 2006 Genii Software Ltd.
What has been said:
469.1. Nathan T. Freeman (06/30/2006 12:56 AM)
I'm trying to remember what Python sketch I once put a transcription of into the Business Partner Forum. I think it was the Whizzo Chocolate Factory sketch. I seem to remember wanting to be able to refer to the...
WARNING! LARK'S VOMIT!!
469.2. Wild Bill (01/07/2006 05:57)
469.3. Duffbert (07/01/2006 05:51 PM)
While I still miss Crystal (what *is* she up to these days?), this was a great piece of writing!
469.4. Hans Bornich (10-07-2006 00:30)
Excellent! :-) - And so right you are!